Well secrets that im revealing

I dont know whats wrong with me nowadays ,i kept on crying but i hide it from my mom,gf n my friends i dont think i can hold on for long im gonna burst soon what better way to do but just saying it out here . No one knows how painful it is to have dreams that ur chained up and its everytime its either in camp dreamt im chained down or its somewhere that i dont wanna go again oh please help help ! I did a lot of changes but my anxiety attack is getting worst at the point where it gives me headaches or feeling of faint i never tell my girlfriend but when im around her i feel peaceful i feel connected i feel different in a lot of ways but i do get anxiety attacks im not gonna tell her yet well its my real secret . Listen im sorry if i ever doubted you or im over protective as a friend im just sorry i was like that i just dont wanna loose another friend thats why im so over protective just like my mom i dont want my mom to marry another i dont want her to get hurt someppl cant feel that pain that i felt only ppl who ever experienced this tragedy. I know it is all in the past but it hunts me sometimes when im outside things that makes me remind of the past gets to my mind and ill get that anxiety attacks ... Not everyone know how pressured i feel in this reality with money friend bills people to please i just feel like just not doing it anymore . I need a comeback i need to get away for awhile. So please understand me my honey,friends,family. Just understand sometimes I CANt give it my all give it my best because im worned out tired and i need a real break from all of this I dont know im just writing what im feeling right now ./...

The power of love is powerful

erm welp here goes something i guess lifes kinda been so hectic so busy i wanna compose my song but it aint that easy and it isnt that easy even to write stories or even just think of a character for the story or character song well yeah .. Well recently i have a lot of things to do and its fasting month wah so fast n its gonna be hari raya again well i just get bored of raya idk why but i feel that way a lot  .. recently i receive a lot of msgs from fb well thats private well if i state love in my blog i have to write something thats related here about love isnt it my love life ok la but i can say one thing its private no one knows about it i plan to keep it secret im the type of person when i look into a girl i want to be with them until i get married oh come on man thats me even though i have a lot of ex that i thought i want to bring into my life as my wife ... I can say one thing la if youre so scared and don wanna open up to ppl its pathetic i know im scared of ppl but i do give it a try ... whats more pathetic is that someone took u away i dont care really well im the type of person thats serious anyways i plan on to have a big house and everything i just pray and hope it does goes well everything did go well because i was patient with a lot of things well now i heck care what ur doing but know this i dont care about u ..... well if u do read i dont care .  well im already attached so please do not ever ask who it is because im making my love life super private ,i cant trust that much ppl i do trust some well you guys know who you are whether  i trust u that much or not it all depends on your thinking thats all ......

welp here goes nothing

Yoh minna ore wa max des i am so sorry im different now i was weak everyones weak that ive got nothing to say anyway im feeling a lot different anyway my spanish cousin told me that im different in a way im just not who im supposed to be i asked him on skype what the hells that supposed to meant i dont get you oh well youre the leaders among leaders and u can lead a rebel group if u wanted to i asked him u serious do i really have that kind of strength to be a leader welll he said i took care of ppl plus i look out for each other even if my problems was worst than theirs but I help ppl so that i can forget my own problems my own shit is ok now its just that im a guy who sometimes let my fear take me plus let my own mind control me .... i dream a lot of my future self ive seen it i know it a lot of possibilities i just have to be PATIENCE ANYWAY im just dying to see my sister again in united states in maryland or dc i just hope shes in dc so i can see the white house plus the environment there haiz i have to be freaking patient then ok ..........................Anyway why do i keep saying that a lot well i cant wait for august so that i can get my cashies and stuff like that oh yeah i forgot to ask some of my friends about something gotta go sorry ill end it here people take care people i love you guys dont get scared because sometimes i feel pressured and i let it out when i let it out i feel better afterwards  ... i FORGOT TO ADD I listen to a lot of spanish songs nowadays LOL

ps NO TITLE FOR DARKNESS HAVE ARRIVED

i cant control my self sometimes i turn into someone else right now i feel so heavy so much pressure and demands i just cant take it all not anymore no one understands how pressured i feel try and be in my shoes and youll know maybe  someone does know but they dont care anymore face it im a problematic child/brother why do they need to help me when i can wash my own ass off yeah but i just need some one like my family to be there ,,,... YOU know how it feels like right now i just feel like killing my own family its like this bad swings thats like so bad i cant control one min i feel happy like no ones business the other im so down like im down in the dumps what the fuck and i cant even sleep properly my head and body is aching like hell my asthma attacks keeps coming someone please just make this go away for me please i just cant handle all of this anymore my own self my other self also everyone ... You know how it feels like when ur so pressured and youre so desperate that youll do anything just to get out of it im trying that.../IM doing that sooner or later i wont be around anymore either that or just sleep a deep sleep i wont wake up for ayear or

I feel like giving up sometimes and just stick to what i have

I feel so sad and angry mood swings again it isnt easy controlling it sometimes i do try and let my anger bottled up or try and forget it but im always feeling it like it inside of me a ball of fury anger.... I MEANT COME ON ASSHOLES WHAT DO U CARE ABOUT MY LIFE ASKING ME OH U HAVENT FINISH ARMY WAH SO LONG ITS my life not yours in case ur reading im saying this to the friends in my neighbourhood and my family oh please la gtfo your not the one who decides my life ma n pa dont u ever think i wont stand up for myself or others for their rights i do that because i care and i love myself even if it meants disrespecting your orders or disrespecting them in the way i stand up to my aunty uncles and cousins i dont care if they say like that to me that meants they have no respect of who i am ..IF YOU CANT ACCEPT ME THEN FINE I JUST WONT EVEN BE AROUND UR ASSES ANYMORE LA ACCEPT WHO I AM I AM LIKE THIS IM NOT SOME DOLL WHERE U CAN JUST CHANGE ITS CLOTHES IMAGE OR WHATEVER NO IM NOT I DECIDE MY OWN LIFE MY OWN WAYS  .... SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE JUST ENDING IT BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHATS GOING on in my mind its always thinking and racing i cant even sleep properly when everytime of my life i have nightmares at night but i do try and think of wonderful stuff before i sleep .. ill just end here ....